Charlotte Hope Elizabeth Halse Story

22/6/2018

Born sleeping

After a miscarriage you were the baby we  planned for, your sister Harriet so excited every step of the journey! Listening to your heart beat and preparing your room for you arrival.

Attending the hospital with what we thought was labour pains, waiting nervously to be seen in the hospital, finally it was our turn. The new registrar doing the scan, silence our beautiful obstetrician Emily attending to deliver the news that you were no longer alive, the painful noise as your dad fell to the floor the tears, the confusion.

No one warns you about still birth and although knowing other woman who had been through this, you still never imagine it will happen to you. Going home that night knowing you are still inside me but no longer growing and thriving and having to come back to deliver you was the most heartbreaking moment of my life. 

Knowing Harriet was awaiting the time to visit her baby sister and the news that had to be broken to her. Returning to the hospital to deliver you, knowing this was the first and last time I would hold you, do I remember the birth not at all I was numb, I remember staring at the TV and a game of football was on, a waiting room full of family and support people, my best friends in the delivery room. You arrived so peaceful yet cold, not knowing what to do, the family photos, your sister holding you with tears in her eyes, still numb, a whirlwind of events yet time felt still, then you were placed in the cot and placed in a storeroom for collection it all felt so wrong, should I hold you for longer?

Family crying, midwives crying as they left the room, my family leaving in the following days for England, people packing up your room so I didn't have to go home with the task, what was the right thing to do in this situation no one knew.

 Time came to leave the hospital, how do you face the world, when everyone's world keeps spinning but your own has stopped still filled with grief and loss, self blame that your body failed your own baby.

Then straight into funeral arrangements, I couldn't answer their questions it was like they were talking another language even the most basic questions. It was so overwhelming I decided to get you cremated so I could keep you with me, your ashes now in my rings so I can wear you everyday. Time to emotionally spiral I didn't want to talk to anyone or face the world, people asking how your baby is going, explaining on repeat the story of how you were no longer here was just too much. 

Each day got easier emotionally but you are in my thoughts every day! something switched in my mindset and that's when I needed to use our story to educate and support others, I will talk about you proudly and openly with anyone who wishes to ask the question, you my angel have changed our lives we celebrate you every year, your sisters keep your spirit alive every time they see a rainbow they say look mum its Charlotte in the sky watching over us, your name and the impact you made will always be held within our hearts forever our baby girl Charlotte 

Thank you to our amazing family, friends and Dr Hunning who have been by my side every step of the way through this journey I couldn't have done this without you all 

Forever grateful Poppy